Do you know how sweeteners work?

Long story short,
Sweeteners are enantiomers of sugar, which mean that the compounds are mirror images of the sugar involved. So basically they supposedly have the same function as sugar does, but the body doesn't recognize this as sugar because our body is chiral, which means it sees the mirror image of a sugar as different than sugar.

Short story even shorter,
Sweeteners deceive our bodies into thinking that they're not sugar.

Deception.

Isn't it a common thing now? Apart from sweeteners deceiving our bodies, we deceive each other too. We look after ourselves first. That tends to be the common thing nowadays. My utopia is so far from reality.

Anyway, I'm living my life in college - without partying or drinking. I'm really happy about that. I guess I worried too much after all. I have awesome friends. I have a good education. I have a life. I just wish I have more time to blog and introspect. I like to think a lot, and I like to fix things. That has its upside, and we shouldn't talk about its downside.

I'm just grateful for who I am, and I am grateful for all the divine interventions that have gotten me thus far.

My friend asked me, "Do you believe in karma Pete?"

"Yes I do."

"So, if I pinch you, then I'll get pinched back. Is that karma?"

Chuckles.

There are so many different ways people live their lives. Religion is one thing that some of us holds very dearly, and for some other it is bullcrap.

Karma is like.. the main fundamental principle that I live my life by. So, what do I see in it?

The thing is right now, if my life has always been like this and will continue to be this way, I wouldn't see the point of karma. I can see why some people don't see the point - the effects are certainly not immediate. If I wasn't in a temple, if I didn't become a monk, I probably wouldn't have thought so highly of the Buddha and his teachings. It's just wondrous the way my life has come thus far. I'm not satisfied with it in any case, but the path that I've walked through, the things I've been blessed with... It's just wonderful. It's a blessing. There're many storms along the way, but hey... life's not one dimensional.

As I live each day in the US of A, my perception starts to change. Is it the new environment? The new culture? The new culture? Or maybe just me reacting to change?

Things happen differently here. The weather sucks. Heck, it's freezing. People talk about god-knows-what. People love lousy Asian food. Heck, people even talk to me because of my name. It's a different experience all together. Things move quickly around here sometimes, yet it gets inefficient as hell at just the right moment. I have so many things to do (do not blame it on my signing up for too many different activities), and having time to blog is just awesome - such a relief too. This blog's getting awfully quiet.

As much as I want people to all help each other and the world to be at peace, our egos are too big. We all live our own life. We're not living the world's life. Naturally, we want the best for ourselves. I want the best for myself. Not my ideal mindset here, but I'm liking it. I compete with people. I do things to get myself ahead, and that's necessary sometimes. Nobody's gonna push you; they're too busy pushing themselves. Push yourself. That's the way to go.

As I've previously mentioned, I'm not the best, but I'm somewhere around the top. I wouldn't settle for no less I'm telling ya. I am fighting. I am pushing myself.

The only thing about this mindset is that you SHOULD and could potentially be doing some meaningful stuff all the time, even in like spring break - which sucks. Furthermore, stress. is. there. freaking. all. the. time. College life is overrated.

Still, I'm gonna push myself. My friends don't think I'm living my life right, but I'm gonna do this. I know I can do so well. Oh I know, and I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna get there.

My birthday's coming up in two minutes. And I'm gonna spend this time blogging. Hah.

I avoided saying 'Know thyself' because that brings up a whole different interpretation about ego and consciousness. and I'm confused about that, and I don't wanna get into that.

Anyway.

I've never said this before, and I'm gonna say this to myself as my birthday present.

I'm not an ordinary kid. I'm different, and I am good. I know I'm good. Nowhere near the top, but I am good. I am freaking darn good. I am far above average. I am going to do well at life. At least I'm supposed to. I think it's really important that we all realize who we are and where we stand. Some of us are destined to achieve great things. Some of us are born great, some of us live great. I don't know what I am, but I certainly have a lot of good karma accumulated from my past life. It's hard to encourage people who have shit happen to them all the time. Then again, we have to know who we are. If we are a person who gets shit happening at us all the time, we've probably done something bad to piss destiny off in the past life. So, if you manage to have a good life, then you rock at life.

As for me, I am currently failing right now. I have high expectations of myself, and I know I've had a blessed life, and I want to do something great. I am finding out who I am. I am finding out what I'm capable off. Hopefully, I'll be able to maximize my potential.

You go do the same. Let's rock this world. Happy birthday Pete.

I really do.

I want my teachers to engage students. I want my teachers to be funny and crack lots of jokes. I want my teachers to be approachable and lighthearted and yet gives awesome lectures. So far, I've only met one. Her name deserves to be mentioned, Dr. Kathleen Nolta. If she is not the most awesome chemistry teacher EVER, I don't know who is. A hyperbole for you right there.

(I'm getting very conscious about my writing. Firstly, I don't know if that's a good thing. Secondly, that shows that my English teachers (probably) taught me well.)

Anyway, all these expectations I have... are they asking too much? If you read Malcolm Gladwell's Most Likely To Succeed, then you might have a slight idea that yes, maybe I'm asking too much. There isn't any incentive for teachers to improve themselves, and most of the funny, energetic and lively ones probably choose to go into other fields. Also, maybe the brand of education that I love requires a set of special gifts - not to mention passion and inspirations and resilience - that only few possess.

Education should always be fun, but it can't always be that way. It's just not possible. I sometimes feel that all students want their classes to be that way, but it's probably an unrealistic and perhaps an I-know-it-won't-happen wish.

I'm just grateful that there exist teachers like Dr. Kathleen Nolta in this world, and that there exist teachers who do care about education and his students. They just give me so much inspiration. They make me want to teach. Just the thought of the cumbersome responsibilities that come with the brand 'teacher' is already overwhelming enough. I can't imagine what really being a teacher would feel like. What I know is that I might be willing to give it a try.

"Sometimes you find the obligation you dread the most isn't worth running from at all."

Meridith Grey

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."

Charles Darwin

Before I get started on what I originally intended to blog today, I have to say that this blog has really been deserted.

I don't want this to happen. I like blogging. It gets me thinking. However, college life is so busy especially for people with short attention span because I take so much longer to work. But... life has been alright. I am moving forward, or trying to at least.

Barack Obama won the Peace Prize. Big news of the week. wow.

Today I wanted to blog about judging people, but now I am too tired and sleepy. Good night world.

Just so you know, I am here. I want to be here.

Oh, and I extracted DNA from a bacteria culture today. yeahhhh! I feel proud and important. lol.

Is there such a thing?

My organic chemistry lecturer, with a funny and quirky personality, told this story. In this experiment, each student was given a solid unknown and was supposed to walk around to find another person with the same compound. She said, "In all my fifteen years teaching this class, I can guarantee you that this experiment has resulted in one marriage. It's true. They met during this experiment. It's on their website for the longest time."

You see, this is how to make learning fun.

Regardless of its truthfulness, it was a lighthearted story that brightens up my day. I love this teacher.

Anyway, so is this merely a coincidence, or is it fate? Unanswerable, perhaps. Yet, what else can I attribute my being here in America, my getting a scholarship, my being in this tumultuous journey to?

I believe in fate.

A question that is asked very often in personality quizzes is "Do you believe you have total control over your life?"

I often say no. Sometimes I say yes. It depends on the moment. I am not quite sure of myself.

If one think fate controls one's life, it's easy to just blame fate for everything that has gone wrong. I've experienced this. However, sometimes, we just have unrealistic expectations that only good things should happen to us. One bad break, we moan and groan.

We also sometimes don't try hard enough. When things fail, we have fate to blame those failures on. I'm a Buddhist but I've heard this Christian phrase, "God helps those who helps themselves."

I blame things on fate too. I ask "Why must this happen to me?" I ask "Why am I feeling this way?" I ask "Why can't I do this?" I ask "Why am I suffering so bad?"

Little quip: Nobody dies a virgin. Life screws us all.

But you know what, I'm going to try to fight harder. I'm fighting hard already, but maybe hard is not enough.

So don't give up. Don't quit. Because this is your one life, one love, one lifetime.

Every moment in life is but a path we walk through. Every moment is a new day, a new life. Stepping out of my comfort zone of Singapore into the land of the free, I sense endless possibilities, and endless ramifications. Unless you are God, your future, like mine, is a cloud of mist. I don't know if I'm walking in the right direction. I don't know where I'm gonna end up.

Every life decision is a major one. I have to make countless of them. Actually, I get obsessed with them. I never stop thinking about them. Now I'm thinking.. you know.. I might just have to find a way to stop thinking about them, because every step leads to a new dawn , a new day and a new life.

Surviving college is more challenging that I expected. I have to struggle with understanding the American culture, trying to make friends, trying to beat the crap out of others and get the research project that I really want, trying to make time for everything that I want to do, AND trying to excel academically. Should I do a double degree? I don't know.

It's really a crucial period, I feel. It's like.. the bridge between childhood and adulthood. It is during this period that I have to make the tough decisions, learn things on my own, be fully fully independent. Sometimes Often, we as humans make the wrong choice. But that's okay. We're humans. It's a cloud of mist we're looking at. We never know what we're going to get.

Right now, I'm trying to make a really really important decision. I'm seeing a gloomy, ominous dense cloud of mist before me. I don't know what to do. Once I step in, I can't back out.

What do I really want? I ask myself.

If you're the select few who are convinced of the answer you have to that question, good for you. I'm not one of them. Even people who think they know they have the answer to that question change their minds later on. We never know. We never know.

So... I guess the only thing left in life is trail and error (albeit a calculated one)?

Yeah!

"But...," you might argue, "the fear!"

Ah the fear... I do feel the fear. It's almost overwhelming. It consumes you alive.

Still, what is life, if not a series of choices strung together?

Make your own choice. Live your own life.

Because I know the reward of self-fulfillment is divine.

One day, I would like to be able to sing this portion of My Hallelujah Song (by Julianne Hough - one of my favorites) with all of my heart and conviction,

Look at me, can't believe
I finally made it here
Feeling like I'm where I belong
Singing my hallelujah song

Hard to find, took some time
But I think that I might be hittin'
On what's been missing all along

And lastly, to quote Melanie Oudin's shoes, I believe.

It's been a long time since I've been here. It feels deserted.

Just as I started to see some real beauty wonder of the world, reality hit me again. I went to University of Michigan. I miss my best friend. I miss all my friends and I find it very hard to make new ones. I didn't want these changes.

I didn't expect to become so attached to the Thai scholars either, but it just happened. You know, I had fun. I didn't think about Buddhist ideals much. I didn't think about my academic future.

Maybe it's time to just.. let life be. I'm starting to feel like maybe I shouldn't care too much about academics - it's okay to get Cs and it's okay not to get that double degree that I wanted. I still want that, but maybe sometimes we all just force life too hard. Life needs some freedom too.

Maybe I can do crazy and wild things. Maybe I don't have to feel guilty when I am not in touch with the Buddhist way of life. Man, I gotta chill. Believe in what I wanna believe. I barely understand myself most of the time. Why make life more complicated?

I really don't like these uncalled-for changes, but I guess I gotta learn to get over it.

But do I really wanna try to forget the past that I so dearly cling on to right now? I don't know. Some things are worth clinging on to, but these things inevitably pull us back. Gotta decide which and when to keep, and when to let go.

Here is what my friend wrote for a college essay class,

'What I hoped was that I would end up in ordinary college and become normal employee at the company that no one knows about.
When I was in my secondary school, I didn’t care much about what I did. I just know what I need to know and do what I have to do, and that’s it, nothing more.
I didn’t care about what the others expect from me at all. However, when I grow up, I also change. I began to understand that in this real world, nothing would come to me if I don’t try to get it. I think more about my future, my education, and my life.  Then I realized that I don’t want to be just like that, doing nothing. I want to be more than someone out there. I want to be the one that is important to this world, the one that will be proud of what he has done.'

It struck me as a particularly important point. There are over 6 billion lives on this planet and it is extremely hard to be noticed. Can I be happily ordinary?

I've also always wanted to be somebody great, like a president or something, but now that's out. Not going in that direction no longer. Maybe I'll invent something - something that will revolutionize the world. A new form of energy, perhaps. You'll never know. Anyhow, these are lofty ambitions. I might fail.

Failures hit us hard. We don't wanna fail. People've written books on how failures are constructive if you have the right attitude.

You know, I can actually be proud of myself without being 'somebody' to the world; I can be 'somebody' to myself.

Maybe I'm aiming too high? In reality, I'm always the one who sets humble goals for myself, so as to minimize the chance of disappointment and rejoice if I exceed expectations. Often times, I do exceed them because no matter what goal I set, I secretly have my sights on the best.

So, maybe I am ambitious. I'm very driven, and that's made me very egocentric sometimes. I'm not proud of myself that way. It's not the somebody that I wanna be. I'm not really sure who I wanna be. A simple life with a cute family seems very appealing - the happily ordinarily guy. Yet, one must be very proud to receive thunderous applause and praises from the populace - the happily famous guy. Yet, there's also the stress and the enemies that pester the happily famous.

Well, whichever I choose become (I don't think I have much of a choice.), I'm hoping that I don't regret not being the other guy. But I'll never know till I'm there.

What about you. Happily ordinary, or happily famous?

Here is a part of the lyrics of Starlight by Muse

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away...

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to
Hold you in my arms...

As I leave Thailand on this metaphorical trip (not that many people care if I live or die, but that’s besides the point) to USA, I’m moving far away. Far away from the memories.

Little did I know I was moving towards an even more intriguing journey, one in which I forge lasting friendships, discover more of myself and experience a new culture. America is really a wonderful country. It has that wondrous effect on me. I just love this country.

Now, I am wondering what my expectations were when I came to America. Surely, I didn’t think I’ll meet friends who I’ll get along with so well so quickly and I didn’t know that I’ll feel so disheartened that I’ll be leaving them in five weeks.

I have my hopes and expectations. Yet, everything is just not what I expected.

I receive many welcome revelations. Yet, it pains me that in five weeks, there will be a quasi-black hole that attempts to dissolve all these memories and joyous moments into oblivion.

Oh, dear memory, will you fade away?

I have a short term memory. It is a challenge for me to remember everything vividly and lucidly. In the future, when I might forget this Brewster Academy experience, I won't realize how priceless and meaningful this moment is.

The sad truth is that the my personal black hole is pretty strong; it sucks a lot of things in. That's just simply the truth.

Even as I am writing this, I have a heavy heart. I feel a loss of hope. I feel a bleeding sense of loss. In the future, I can only hope that I remember.

Our hopes and expectations.
Black holes and revelations.

Interesting lyrics. I’ve never really listened to the lyrics of this song before. I never realized how beautiful it is.

You know what, my memories, I’ll promise not to let you go - if you promise not to fade away.

In Brewster Academy, there is a literature teacher (Person A) who is married to a TOEFL iBT teacher (Person B).

While I was talking to my culture teacher in the staff room, the literature teacher walks in, and my culture teacher said, 'B is A's significant other... Sometimes significant, and sometimes other. *laughs*'

I laughed too.

I don't know why I like that. I just found it funny. Weird I am.

Can I take a recess?

I’m sitting at my observe-the-landscape spot in Brewster Academy for the 2nd time. This time, the sky is gloomy with many gray clouds and only sporadically allows sunlight to pass through. Still, it’s green and quiet.

Concrete and bricks are sometimes intolerably boring and confining. Green seems vast and free. Sometimes I really need a break from life. There are so many things happening all at the same time it’s hard to organize my thoughts. I live in a perpetual state of confusion and agitation.

I just wanna lie down on green grass looking up at clear blue sky and forget about everything else. But that’s not possible. I can’t even relax now. There doesn’t seem to be any breaks soon. There’s a whole world ahead of me, and fight I must.

My friend said he can read what other people are thinking quite easily, but he can't read me. Hah.

Well I don't know why. Maybe because I've been hiding lots of stuff for a long time so I'm really good at it. Or maybe it's because I have a lot of stuff going on in my mind so it's difficult to really see what I'm thinking. Or maybe, it's because I'm actually confused about what I'm thinking myself, so it's impossible for others to know what I'm thinking.

Whatever it is, many people've tried to read me because I barely reveal anything about myself that's of personal nature. I don't know why. Maybe I don't trust people enough.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I've just thought of something. If this is a really free country, why must I wear dress shoes to work? Why must I wear sneakers when meeting adults? Why can't I wear flip flops all the time? Why must the media stereotype? Why are there so many societal expectations?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Walking in sandals, carrying a sling bag on my shoulder, a shoe bag in one hand and something else in the other, I feel like a Singapore boy. I don't know why, but I do. This makes me miss Singapore (and my friends) very very much.

Will anyone disagree that life is convoluted?

There are many challenges surrounding us. Some of us have less problems than others. Some of us are better than others at dealing with these challenges. I happen to fall under the 'others' category for both.

First of all, academic challenge. Literature. Physics. Arts. Music. Social sciences. Philosophy. Never ending.

What I want to focus more on is real-world challenges. There are so many life challenges facing me. Some of the challenges I unneccessarily get myself in. Some of them I'm willing to be in, some of them not.

But do we really have a choice? Is it destiny? Fate? What's the difference between destiny and fate anyway. They're both beyond human control.

I'll not get into the topic of how/why we are given unequal problems to solved and unequal problem-solving abilities. It's more convoluted than convoluted.

Anyhow, back to challenges. Challenges are everywhere. Some of us actually go through them without realizing it. Yet, some of us who are more sensitive and less versatile than others feel the full effects of challenges, be they depression, anxiety, apprehension, anger, loneliness, emoness, heavy heart or some other inexplicable feelings. They suck, but I gotta suck them up.

You know, when a conflict occurs, I like to talk to both parties, and I put myself in a precarious position in which I find very difficult to extricate myself from. What I say matters, and it's hard to determine what to tell the other party. Now I really know why third-party mediators rarely work.

People call me a pessimist. Well yeah maybe I am. But it's hard for me to remain optimistic when I get sulky everytime I face problems. I can't be happy all the time. That's who I am. At least I'm glad that perhaps, I've gotten through some of the problems that I've faced, and helped some people along the way.

I hope that I can be stronger, face my challenges, and in the process mature and garner lifelong friendships.

Somehow and someway and somewhy (yes i just made up the word), people reply 'Good thanks' when asked 'How are you?' even when they are relatively sad.

Damn it. I am feeling sad and depressed and exhausted and lethargic. I wanted to write a nice post. I'm going to try again.

Let's start with Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). Amusing character she is. She is the call-me-senator-don't-call-me-ma'am lady. She's the lady who was just accused of being racist. She condescended Condoleeza Rice. She's a tough one ah. As her campaign slogan says, 'Boxer gives a damn.'

She's an interesting character because she isn't afraid to speak out, although sometimes the thing she speaks might not be appropriate. But the point is she's not very 'restrained' or 'confined' by societal norms. Yet, one might go agape when one hear what she says. Sometimes, they're just not 'politically correct'.

From my culture class, I know it's shortened PC. There's even an acronym for politically correct. Must be an important term. My teacher likes to reiterate that America is a society that places great emphasis on being politically correct, or, in my own terms, you can't always say what you feel.

So is America really a free country?

Well, I don't know. I haven't been to that many places. I can only compare USA to Singapore and Thailand, and I must say USA is a freer country. It's just not possible to have absolute freedom, or else there'll be too much conflict. After all, political correctness is there for a reason. The truth is there are unique individuals out there and each and everyone of us speak and act freely to different extents. That's why this is a very convoluted world. I never know how to behave correctly. People boggle me. People amaze me. People infuriate me.

In any case, one wouldn't want to be misunderstood. I'm always misunderstood. Or maybe I just don't understand others. I like to make assumptions. Two days ago, my teacher said to assume is to make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. ass+u+me. I laughed. but it's true. When dealing with others, one has to 'suspend judgment'. I'll add a word there and say 'suspend premature judgment' instead.

My teacher also said that often times, the misalignment between intent and impact is the source of problems. Interesting. Never looked at it this way before. Now that I think of it, many people hate me because I make the wrong impact that I didn't know I convey. My intent is (mostly) either friendly or indifferent, but sometimes I don't convey my intent that well. So, looks like I really got lots of things to learn!

I think I have already blogged about this. Furthermore, I used the phrase 'go with the flow' many times. But this is a new country, and going with the flow is a little bit harder.

There seems to be... lots of friction as I try to go with the flow. The amount of work I have to do is one. The emotional trouble is one. Cultural adaptation is another. Going with the flow now requires much effort.

The thing is I'm still ambivalent about this summer program. As much I want it to end, I don't want it to end. Despite my obvious exhaustion and lack of sleep, I am having so much fun going crazy and acting like a small kid.

Where will the flow take me after the next five weeks? Will the fun end? Will I have more work? Less work?

These are questions that I'm not even sure if I wanna find out the answers to. I really don't understand myself sometimes. What I know is that I want the fun to be there but I want the work to stop, but of course the world doesn't revolve around me.

Incidentally, my panda eyes are changing in size. I should set up the Panda-eye length index (PELI) to see how sleep-deprived I am. lol.

Also, two days ago, I said 'Roger that' to my teacher, and she 'LOL'ed at me. She said it made her feel like she's watching a TV show again.

Phrases that I love:
- Roger that (I am so sad that I don't get to say this a lot.)
- The thing is
- like
- You know
- Damn it
- Shit
- Shit happens
- Kind of
- Sort of
- What in the world!!!

I have a friend who acts like a kid.


I like that friend.



There is so much stress nowadays it is impossible to act like like a child all the time. I have to act maturely to finish all my work. I have to constantly work.

But in between, I derive much joy from acting like a kid. I cannot believe how childish I am. The things we do range from stealing water bottles or sweaters and making funny faces. I mean, is there anywhere in the world where two 18-year-olds still play the steal-my-water-bottle-and-I-steal-yours game? It's insane. But...

I love it. It's so much fun. It's silliness. It's carefree laughter. It's childish bliss.

How much longer will I be able to act like this?

The sad truth is that... I'm gonna leave this friend and all the other friends I go crazy with in five weeks. And it's really sad sad sad.